I am coming apart; unravelling like the hem on a pair of cheap polyester pants.
All I want to do right now is read. It's either read or drink myself blind, and I don't have the luxury of drinking right now, as I have too much stuff to deal with. For me, reading is usually just as good as drinking, if not better. (Although -- don't get me wrong -- I certainly do my share of drinking. And even, on occasion, other peoples' shares too.) When I read, I am Not Here. The phrase "lose yourself in a book" is so true for me. I open a book and instantly, my life ceases to exist; I am in another world, not my own. The problem right now is that I am so filled with anxiety, I am having difficulty concentrating on what I am reading. I also have little time for it right now.
I waiver between this constant low level thrum of anxiety that manifests itself as a ball of iron in the pit of my stomach, to moments of heart-knocking existentialist terror, and back again. There seems very little point to it all, some days. Very little point.
Things suck right now. Well, do they really objectively suck, or am I just a sniveling, weak, self-absorbed twit unable to cobble together the mammarian fortitude to deal?
*ponders a moment*
I'll take B for $200.00, Alex.
Mammarian fortitude reminds me of Xena. Hard not to feel invincible with breastplates.
ReplyDeleteAre you familiar with existential therapy? "The patient can then accept they are not special, and that their existence is simply coincidental, without destiny or fate. By accepting this, they can overcome their anxieties, and instead view life as moments in which they are fundamentally free." Ascribe your own meaning. If you don't have the concentration for books, what about watching a foreign movie in an unfamiliar language? It requires similar attention but with less focus.
I suppose life objectively sucks because you're not a twit, and that's why Watson got the $200,000 instead.
Sorry things are rough right now. I hope you get a chance to get lost in a book. : ) Everyone needs something they can just disappear into for awhile, especially when life seems to hand you struggle after struggle.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry =/ I hope you find time to lose yourself in a book and get away from your life <3
ReplyDeletebooks are the ONLY salvation. ok not the only but definitely the least destructive. which means i have a problem reading sometimes, which obviously sucks. reading AND drinking? obviously amazing until you get too drunk to see straight. then it's all downhill especially if you drink too much wine which is rather like a truth-drug and tell your roommate ALL your secrets. eurgh.
ReplyDeleteanyway LOVE LOVE and also i am here now:
http://likeblindedeyes.blogspot.com/
xx x