Great Lengths

The binge monster.

What great lengths we will go to in order to avoid it.

When we were little, we were worried that monsters hid under the bed.  Now we worry that they are hiding in the refrigerator.

Afraid of monsters?  You bet your sweet ass I am afraid of this one.  It preys on me when I am most vulnerable.  The growling of my stomach is a siren song for it, summoning it from the stygian depths where it slumbers.    I watch helplessly as it lumbers up to attack.  I know it well, this beast with its matted fur -- its corpulent, hirsute arms will squeeze me in a chokehold embrace while it bears its moss-covered fangs, slobbering and smirking all the while.  I'll admit I've done some weird things in my time to avoid the bastard, but tonight is a new one, even for me.

In what has to be one of my more inspired and insane moments to date, I actually consumed 1/4 cup of hot sauce which was so hot that I then had to drink four large glasses of water in rapid succession.

Yeah.  I know.  I'm probably going to pay for this later (I have a pretty strong stomach, but still)....but it will be WORTH IT because the binge monster turned around and slinked off in disgust (I don't know if a corpulent being actually has the ability to slink, but stay with me here), dissuaded from his purpose by a peppery red concoction.   It was like an exorcism but with hot sauce instead of holy water.  At any rate, the bastard has left the premises.  Maybe he will try the house next door....he'd have a lot more luck with the twinkie queen living there.  Maybe I'll just put a sign on my front door for him next time with a picture of a cupcake and a big red arrow pointing to her house.