The Close of the Year

2468 Was a huge fail.  I have a blood sugar problem and 2468 went out the window yesterday afternoon when I didn't plan out the day's food very well and got too shaky and nauseated to drive.  The best-laid plans of mice, etc.

I'm too discouraged (and disgusted with myself) to even contemplate a Plan B right now -- my urge to eat is so strong, it's all I can do to try to eat mindfully and, if (and when) I binge, do it with healthy food.  I am still at 103, God knows how -- unless it's because I've stepped up my exercise and cut out sugar.  (Except for pumpkin ice cream.  And can I just say there is a special place in hell for whoever came up with pumpkin ice cream?  A pox upon you, and all your descendants.  You are an evil, evil person, whoever you are, and I will never forgive you.)

Went to the gym today (after too long an absence.)  While I was running on the treadmill, I was thinking about my goals for the coming year.  I make resolutions every year (and only hold out a few hours on most, if not all of them) but I also make overall goals for improvement.  Most of these are things you can't check off once you've completed, because they are never complete.  Things like being more mindful.

In 2010 I accomplished two things that I've been struggling to do for many years.  I hope I can build on the momentum and keep going.

Unfortunately, my weight is *exactly* where it was one year ago.

I don't want to be destined to go through my entire life five to ten pounds heavier than my ideal weight.  There is so little standing between me and where I want to be in terms of weight.  But sometimes it feels like it might as well be 100 pounds.  In fact, there are people, lots of people, who've lost 100 pounds over the course of this year.  They have done what I have been unable to do and they have done it ten times over.  Pardon the play on words, but that is certainly food for thought.

There was a time in my life when I welcomed hunger.  It was synonymous with strength, with discipline, with will.
When did I come to fear hunger, to hate it, to not be able to live with it even for a few minutes?  When did I become so weak?  Where is my will -- I was once so strong, with discipline to spare.  What happened to that person?  I am pathetic, sitting around waiting for my strength to return.  I long for it like a lost lover.