So this saving money thing is going nicely with the ana thing. Less food, less stuff, simplify simplify simplify. So far this month, the money I have not spent when I otherwise would have (and it's gone into the kitty for the good cause thing) is below. The estimates are easy; I am such a creature of habit, I always get the same things at the same places when I go out; and if I go somewhere new with friends, I look at the menu and decide what I would have gotten and add it to the total. :)
1. Dinner after work (10.00)
2. Breakfast with friend (11.00)
3. Loaf of artisan bread to c/s (5.00)
4. Lunch out while working out of town (11.00)
5. Lunch out while working out of town (8.00)
6. Italian dinner with Big (48.00)
7. Dinner with friends (10.00)
8. New H. L. Mencken box set (and damn I really want this thing...I'm going to exercise some self-restraint for now and either order it at the end of my 60 days or ask for it as a birthday present in the fall) (44.00)
9. Vegan crayons (9.00) (see notes for #8)
10. Vegan cookbook (12.00)
This has been a really neat thing. When I go out with friends, I am able to just sit there while they eat without having to feign sickness or some other excuse. Suddenly I have this perfectly rational and truthful explanation for why I am not joining them. This plan is an ana's dream, I tell you.
Weight today: 102. I'm averaging 1000-1250 cals a day, which on my metabolism-deranged body is not enough to move the numbers. This week I'll be hitting it a little harder and ramping up the exercise....
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Ice
Outside, the snow -- frozen into sheets of ice -- glistens in the sun. Everything here has stopped -- we are not used to such things in the deep south. I've used this time to hermit in a rather sloth-like sort of way; I am somewhat reluctant to engage in the ridiculous frenetic exercise that normally fills my days, because Big (my husband) is here with me. I don't know if it would matter, though. My thoughts and feelings about food and weight are not on his radar. He's seen all the evidence and we've even talked about it, in small, truncated, awkward conversations. It's not something he likes and it's not something he understands, and so, in his world, it doesn't exist.
I thought I had a limitless capacity for denial, but I'm nothing compared to him.
Of course, this is a mixed blessing. I like being left to my own devices....I like that I can skip meals, engage in bizarre rituals of preparing food and eating, etc.. I like that I can embrace ana -- hell, she practically has her own room, her own key to the house, she could get mail here -- and there is no one to police me. I am free to do whatever I want.
The only thing is, I often wonder: what would it take for him to see that I am hurting, that I am scared, that I sometimes feel that I am one step away from losing my tenuous grasp on the few marbles I have?
I've told him, in the most direct way I can. That didn't work. We went to counseling together. That didn't work.
I wonder how small I would have to get before he would see me.
Really see.
I thought I had a limitless capacity for denial, but I'm nothing compared to him.
Of course, this is a mixed blessing. I like being left to my own devices....I like that I can skip meals, engage in bizarre rituals of preparing food and eating, etc.. I like that I can embrace ana -- hell, she practically has her own room, her own key to the house, she could get mail here -- and there is no one to police me. I am free to do whatever I want.
The only thing is, I often wonder: what would it take for him to see that I am hurting, that I am scared, that I sometimes feel that I am one step away from losing my tenuous grasp on the few marbles I have?
I've told him, in the most direct way I can. That didn't work. We went to counseling together. That didn't work.
I wonder how small I would have to get before he would see me.
Really see.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A Fast Fast
I am a really awful faster. I don't know how people do it and function. But when I am triggered, I can (sometimes) manage 24 hours.
I need to fast today, and I will. I'm back up to 103 -- how does one gain two pounds after one binge? I know, it's not real weight, right? Tell that to my scale. The numbers there look real enough.
Plan for today: lots of cups of tea, and I have watercress and balsamic vinegar in case of emergency. Last food intake was at 9:00 p.m. last night, so if I can at least get to 9:00 p.m. tonight, that will be 24 hours. I'm still snowed in so there's no excuse for failing -- no work to be done, I can just sit here and read your lovely blogs and some books I've been meaning to get to, and drink tea, and hermit.
Also: Thanks for the comments and support -- they mean a lot!
I need to fast today, and I will. I'm back up to 103 -- how does one gain two pounds after one binge? I know, it's not real weight, right? Tell that to my scale. The numbers there look real enough.
Plan for today: lots of cups of tea, and I have watercress and balsamic vinegar in case of emergency. Last food intake was at 9:00 p.m. last night, so if I can at least get to 9:00 p.m. tonight, that will be 24 hours. I'm still snowed in so there's no excuse for failing -- no work to be done, I can just sit here and read your lovely blogs and some books I've been meaning to get to, and drink tea, and hermit.
Also: Thanks for the comments and support -- they mean a lot!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Quality and Quantity
Still have a spotless record on the vegan thing, but today was a binge. I'm snowed in and stir-crazy.
Tomorrow will be better. Exercise and restriction to make up for today.
Tomorrow will be better. Exercise and restriction to make up for today.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Quality, not quantity
I want 2011 to be the year when I eat smaller amounts of food, but of much better quality. I want to be able to enjoy wonderful food like avocado, almonds, dark chocolate, olive oil -- all things I assiduously avoided for years, all the while consuming lo-cal, chemical-laden, tasteless diet food with ingredient lists that read like a novella.
Today for lunch, I am going to eat a sandwich of avocado, watercress, bell pepper, sprouts, cucumber, lemon hummus, and a sliver of onion on nine-grain, whole wheat bread. Scrumptious. The total: a mind-blowing 390 calories. I know, I know. Waaaaaaaaaaay, way too high, right? Just unthinkable. For years -- literally, years -- a sandwich like this would have been verboten, something as foreign to me as eating cat poop. I would instead eat something with 100 calories. Something artificial, and not satisfying. And then I'd be so hungry, I'd have to eat another 100 calories of whatever it was. And then another. And another.
Yesterday, I made the sandwich I just described, and something wonderful and miraculous happened: after I ate it, I was sated. I was okay. I didn't need to go back into the kitchen for anything more. I had a banana for breakfast, this sandwich for lunch, and an Amy's burrito for dinner. Total for the day: 820 calories.
My weight is down two pounds since January 1: I'm at 101. Progress....
Today for lunch, I am going to eat a sandwich of avocado, watercress, bell pepper, sprouts, cucumber, lemon hummus, and a sliver of onion on nine-grain, whole wheat bread. Scrumptious. The total: a mind-blowing 390 calories. I know, I know. Waaaaaaaaaaay, way too high, right? Just unthinkable. For years -- literally, years -- a sandwich like this would have been verboten, something as foreign to me as eating cat poop. I would instead eat something with 100 calories. Something artificial, and not satisfying. And then I'd be so hungry, I'd have to eat another 100 calories of whatever it was. And then another. And another.
Yesterday, I made the sandwich I just described, and something wonderful and miraculous happened: after I ate it, I was sated. I was okay. I didn't need to go back into the kitchen for anything more. I had a banana for breakfast, this sandwich for lunch, and an Amy's burrito for dinner. Total for the day: 820 calories.
My weight is down two pounds since January 1: I'm at 101. Progress....
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
One week in April.
Update on the vegan thing and the money thing:
The vegan thing seems much easier this time. Hope it sticks.
I've saved about $35.00 so far, money I would have thrown away on senseless stupid stuff. $5.00 of that money would have been spent on a loaf of bread I was eyeing, thinking about taking it home to c/s. Didn't do it. Felt good about that.
I keep trying to work myself into some level of enthusiasm. I have so much to be grateful for, so much. And yet it's so difficult right now to think of anything other than crawling under the covers. I think it's this season. I wish I could sleep until spring.
It takes so much energy, sometimes, to interact with people, to appear normal, engaged, something other than completely gray and flat inside and uninterested in saying one word to anyone about anything. My job requires a lot of interaction with people sometimes, and January and February are the busiest months of the year. I have to be "on" all day and that's hard in the best of circumstances, but when I am feeling like this, what I appear to others, what others see, clashes violently with the real me. It's so incredibly difficult and so jarring. Even my husband doesn't know the real me. Sometimes he catches a glimpse, and to be honest, I think it scares him. I know it does.
It's taking insane amounts of energy to appear normal right now. People leave the room and I shut down immediately, drained beyond measure with the charade of normality, of enthusiasm, of the polite necessities of custom. Small talk. So, so, so difficult. When I am finally alone I deflate like a balloon. I could sit and stare at the wall for hours, I think.
I am not losing but my normal sense of urgency appears to be a casualty of this thickening of my heart, this clouding of my brain. I don't feel the urge to binge but I can't seem to buckle down and do the hard work that needs to be done, either.
Every year in April, my husband and I visit a city I love. I love everything about this city: its shops, its food, its flowers, its trees, its architecture, its history. I am always happy there, always. I have imbued the city with qualities it does not possess, I see it as a magical elixir for everything wrong. When I am there everything is perfect and beautiful and I am happy. If I could live there I would be perfect and beautiful and happy.
I cling to the promise of April in this city I love so. It's all that's keeping me going right now.
The vegan thing seems much easier this time. Hope it sticks.
I've saved about $35.00 so far, money I would have thrown away on senseless stupid stuff. $5.00 of that money would have been spent on a loaf of bread I was eyeing, thinking about taking it home to c/s. Didn't do it. Felt good about that.
I keep trying to work myself into some level of enthusiasm. I have so much to be grateful for, so much. And yet it's so difficult right now to think of anything other than crawling under the covers. I think it's this season. I wish I could sleep until spring.
It takes so much energy, sometimes, to interact with people, to appear normal, engaged, something other than completely gray and flat inside and uninterested in saying one word to anyone about anything. My job requires a lot of interaction with people sometimes, and January and February are the busiest months of the year. I have to be "on" all day and that's hard in the best of circumstances, but when I am feeling like this, what I appear to others, what others see, clashes violently with the real me. It's so incredibly difficult and so jarring. Even my husband doesn't know the real me. Sometimes he catches a glimpse, and to be honest, I think it scares him. I know it does.
It's taking insane amounts of energy to appear normal right now. People leave the room and I shut down immediately, drained beyond measure with the charade of normality, of enthusiasm, of the polite necessities of custom. Small talk. So, so, so difficult. When I am finally alone I deflate like a balloon. I could sit and stare at the wall for hours, I think.
I am not losing but my normal sense of urgency appears to be a casualty of this thickening of my heart, this clouding of my brain. I don't feel the urge to binge but I can't seem to buckle down and do the hard work that needs to be done, either.
Every year in April, my husband and I visit a city I love. I love everything about this city: its shops, its food, its flowers, its trees, its architecture, its history. I am always happy there, always. I have imbued the city with qualities it does not possess, I see it as a magical elixir for everything wrong. When I am there everything is perfect and beautiful and I am happy. If I could live there I would be perfect and beautiful and happy.
I cling to the promise of April in this city I love so. It's all that's keeping me going right now.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Two Things for Two Months
January and February are not good months for me. It's cold, and bleak, and it rains a lot. The gray in the sky matches the smudged shadows in my head.
I want to focus on two things for the next two months:
1. Going vegan (again) -- I've been vegetarian forever, and it's very easy for me, but for some reason it's very, very difficult to go vegan. When I try to go vegan, I never last for more than a few weeks. I think it's the cheese. Yes, there is vegan cheese, but I'd rather eat greasy cardboard. In fact, I think that some of the vegan cheese I've eaten actually was greasy cardboard. I miss cheese, and bread, and cheese, and milk chocolate, and cheese. Did I mention I miss cheese? And eating in restaurants is a freaking logistical nightmare -- trying to communicate with the kitchen through the waitstaff proves exhausting, embarrassing, anxiety-provoking, and irritating all at the same time. This segues nicely into goal number two, which is:
2. Spend no money for two months on anything except groceries, gas, and household necessities. That's it. No new clothes, no thrifted clothes, no new books, no used books, no eating in restaurants, no movies, no cute vintage aprons, no candles, nothing. I am far from wealthy but I have an abundance of stuff and I really don't need anything more. I may want more, but there is literally nothing at all that I need. My little house contains everything I need, and then some. So I want to note where I would have spent money and didn't, I want to start a list and every time I don't buy something I would have ordinarily bought, I am going to write it down. At the end of two months, I will donate the savings to a worthy cause. I already have the perfect idea for where this money can go.
So combining the two quite nicely, my little plan means I won't be tempted by restaurant food, as it's strictly verboten until March 1. And I can stop (at least temporarily) accumulating stuff. And simplify. Simplify my diet, simplify my home, simplify my life. I want to put less in my stomach, less in my car, less in my house. And at the end of two months, I will (hopefully) have something to show for it in more ways than one.
"It is the great curse of Gluttony that it ends by destroying all sense of the precious, the unique, the irreplaceable."
-- Dorothy Sayers
I want to focus on two things for the next two months:
1. Going vegan (again) -- I've been vegetarian forever, and it's very easy for me, but for some reason it's very, very difficult to go vegan. When I try to go vegan, I never last for more than a few weeks. I think it's the cheese. Yes, there is vegan cheese, but I'd rather eat greasy cardboard. In fact, I think that some of the vegan cheese I've eaten actually was greasy cardboard. I miss cheese, and bread, and cheese, and milk chocolate, and cheese. Did I mention I miss cheese? And eating in restaurants is a freaking logistical nightmare -- trying to communicate with the kitchen through the waitstaff proves exhausting, embarrassing, anxiety-provoking, and irritating all at the same time. This segues nicely into goal number two, which is:
2. Spend no money for two months on anything except groceries, gas, and household necessities. That's it. No new clothes, no thrifted clothes, no new books, no used books, no eating in restaurants, no movies, no cute vintage aprons, no candles, nothing. I am far from wealthy but I have an abundance of stuff and I really don't need anything more. I may want more, but there is literally nothing at all that I need. My little house contains everything I need, and then some. So I want to note where I would have spent money and didn't, I want to start a list and every time I don't buy something I would have ordinarily bought, I am going to write it down. At the end of two months, I will donate the savings to a worthy cause. I already have the perfect idea for where this money can go.
So combining the two quite nicely, my little plan means I won't be tempted by restaurant food, as it's strictly verboten until March 1. And I can stop (at least temporarily) accumulating stuff. And simplify. Simplify my diet, simplify my home, simplify my life. I want to put less in my stomach, less in my car, less in my house. And at the end of two months, I will (hopefully) have something to show for it in more ways than one.
"It is the great curse of Gluttony that it ends by destroying all sense of the precious, the unique, the irreplaceable."
-- Dorothy Sayers
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