Outside, the snow -- frozen into sheets of ice -- glistens in the sun. Everything here has stopped -- we are not used to such things in the deep south. I've used this time to hermit in a rather sloth-like sort of way; I am somewhat reluctant to engage in the ridiculous frenetic exercise that normally fills my days, because Big (my husband) is here with me. I don't know if it would matter, though. My thoughts and feelings about food and weight are not on his radar. He's seen all the evidence and we've even talked about it, in small, truncated, awkward conversations. It's not something he likes and it's not something he understands, and so, in his world, it doesn't exist.
I thought I had a limitless capacity for denial, but I'm nothing compared to him.
Of course, this is a mixed blessing. I like being left to my own devices....I like that I can skip meals, engage in bizarre rituals of preparing food and eating, etc.. I like that I can embrace ana -- hell, she practically has her own room, her own key to the house, she could get mail here -- and there is no one to police me. I am free to do whatever I want.
The only thing is, I often wonder: what would it take for him to see that I am hurting, that I am scared, that I sometimes feel that I am one step away from losing my tenuous grasp on the few marbles I have?
I've told him, in the most direct way I can. That didn't work. We went to counseling together. That didn't work.
I wonder how small I would have to get before he would see me.
Really see.
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In Big's defense (heehee love the name), he might just be trying to give you space and let you be an adult who is autonomous over your own body.
ReplyDeleteI know that even after TR found out I was doing all of this, and it was very early on, he basically said that as long as doing this made me happy and safe he wouldn't intervene unless I did something seriously dangerous. And he didn't, but when I was incredibly underweight he would mention that he thought I was prettier 10-20 pounds more etc.
Some people have such a hard time expressing themselves and when it comes to people like us (sorry don't want to generalize but I think you know what I mean), there really is no obvious solution or straightforward means of support. The only thing I can think of is finding resources like websites or books that discuss the problems you're going through even if they aren't weight related (I made a list of Borderline personality support websites and gave them to TR). It opened up the conversation a bit with us, and even though he was still not completely clear on what to do, it really helped that he read everything and had a bit more insight.
OOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRR it could absolutely be none of that! But that's the brilliant thing about these things isn't it :P *hugs*
I can relate... when I tell my husband something like-- "I only at 300 calories today," he says something like "that's good." Of course, I don't weight around 100 lbs. I weigh around 150 and I need to lose a bunch of weight.
ReplyDeleteI like what Savory Sweet said. Much agreed.
Aww *Hug* Well you always have us to worry about you and we DO understand how you feel
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself <3