Why

Because I need to know in times of uncertainty and despair that no matter what else is happening in my life, there is at least this one thing.

I have this.  At least there is this.  When everything else is going all to hell all around me, crashing down top of me, crumbling, shattering at my feet, at least there is this.  At least I have a closet full of cute thrifted size zero jeans, and they all fit.  Everything else may be fucked up, but at least there is a thigh gap, and I cling to that knowledge like it's a buoy keeping me afloat in a violent tempest.  I may have money problems, family problems, friend problems, problems in my fucked up head that make me want to escape into books for every second I can spare in the day, but at least there is this, I can wear a little miniskirt and tights in the winter, bundling up in a big warm coat and a scarf and mittens and feeling small under it all and knowing that no matter what, I have this.  I have this.  I have this.

When I am stressed, I run my fingers over my hipbones in the way that some people touch worry stones or rosaries.  My bones become a totem of what is possible with discipline, simplicity, and control.

It can center me, calm me, stop -- for just the briefest of moments -- the voices in my head telling me that I am an imposter, a fraud, a failure at life.  And sometimes it's just enough to see me through.